Obesity And Technology Clash

Posted on July 6, 2007 by aalahazrat

The rector of the Indus Institute of Technology made a startling discovery last month. After in depth research conducted by 27 universities, research institutes and a sociological centre the discovery seems to have been proven as true. Obese people find it much more difficult to use technology in their daily lives when compared to normal people. The Rector of the IIT said that he got suspicious when he saw two lists of students, one with GPAs and one with weights. Being a genius in numerical comparability he suddenly saw the relation between the two. “At first I could not believe it, but then I guess the truth dawned on me”.

In a much publicized group session of Obesity Anonymous one of the participants was quick to point out that “I would just rather prefer to have a Biryani then to learn how to run a minterm average function in MS Excel”. Of course the snide remark was met with mellow snickering from the rest of the participants. But all participants were not this civil. Ms Shafiq remarked that “If I wanted to wear large glasses and have big braces in my teeth I would become a computer nerd!”. Some of the participants thought this was a very harsh generalization and one participant took off his shoes in protest.

At the recent Nerds R Us convention one speaker declared that his company has stopped making extra large keyboards, “Now Obese people will have to make their fingers smaller so that they can hit one key at a time”. Mr Shafaqat started coughing loudly after this because of his allergy to laughter developed due to working in close proximity to computers. On the sidelines of the summit one participant told me in a hushed tone that he had to wear special clothing to not appear obese, otherwise he could have been bludgeoned to death by the other participants. He thought that he has started to develop an irrational phobia for Nerds.

When asked to give their opinion, most bankers were of the opinion that since obesity leads to higher branch sales it is a very good thing. 83% of the bankers polled did not know the meaning of obesity. One banker actually thought that it meant Extra Spicy Thai food.

Altamash Hai Khan, Karachi Times
Vol V

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Shrinks Love The Bad Parents

Posted on July 5, 2007 by aalahazrat

The psychiatrists convention of the Bain Ul Pakistan Shrinks Anjuman held recently in the western mountain city of Quetta voted that Bad Parents are the most important reason for their continued income. Talking to a packed house of very serene and calm individuals Ms Farkhanda said that “If it were not for emotionally destructive parents my son would not be studying at overpriced universities in the West”. Later the convention was divided into three sections physical abuse, verbal abuse and mental abuse. Most of the participants agreed that physical abuse was the least long lasting. Some participants disagreed with this contention and one male member even cried into a beautifully quilted pink handkerchief while describing how his mother used a ‘Chimta’ adroitly.

Most participants think that verbal abuse has a long lasting effect. It has the strongest effect on children’s relationship making skills. A recently divorced, yet very attractive shrink even said that “Most relationships end, not because of evil partners, but because of evil parents”. A poll conducted by PaKi TeEnS RoCk has actually corroborated this statement when 68% of all teenagers polled declared that “parents are definitely not cool”. A whooping 27% of teenagers said they had no opinion on the issue but said that MTV is kewl. Can one even doubt the opinions of so many teenagers of our age? No. They must be heard.

The third convention hall seems to have been home to the most action. Scenes of violent hysterics, bitter crying and anguished moans were experienced when a general discussion on the possible mal effects of mental abuse on children turned into a sharing of real life experiences. Sniffing loudly into a hankie Ms Raza said “And then my mom said, why can’t you be more like Razia?”, the hall broke into pandemonium as listeners were transported back to their childhood nightmares. According to unconfirmed news reports the supply of tissue papers in Quetta ran short because of the usage of this commodity in the third convention hall this day.

Reports on this convention caused violent protests in Multan, Sukkur, Gwader and Abbotabad where loving parents took to the streets and chanted slogans against the cheap tactics used by Psychiatrists to increase their incomes. One mother said amidst violent sobs “I just love my kids so much.”

I think I am going to cry.

Altamash Hai Khan, Karachi Times
Vol IV

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Bad Drivers And Cat Fighters

Posted on July 4, 2007 by aalahazrat

Police in the border city of Lahore have reported a steep rise in automobile accident related cat fighting incidents. Speaking to the Non Violence Armada police sources quoted a total of 39 cat fights due to traffic accidents during this June as opposed to 7 such cat fights last year. Are we becoming more violent as a nation or have women finally broken the yoke of male domination and decided that it is ok to have fist fights on the streets of our cities. After all, if men can do it, then why cant women. One cat fighter with badly mangled hair was quoted as saying “We have endured too many violent fights between men on the streets, why must we feel ashamed at showing our true feelings in this twenty first century?”

The increased level of inherent violence in our society does raise questions? Is a good hair pulling match necessary if someone overtakes you and parks in your space right infront of your nose? Or; do people have to express themselves infront of people who like to honk their horns a lot? A student of Insect Sociology at the Lahore Zoological University has told us that “Even in Ants it is considered culturally acceptable to pull out someone’s arms if they break your traffic lane.” We must learn from the other species in our midst. But on the other hand the ‘Moms Against Violence’ spokeswoman has said that our coming generations must be taught to internalize anger and rather than turning anger into violence they should realize that their fathers have failed them as role models. But of course that is a rather subjective approach to the problem and might lead to confusion and even psychosis in some cases.

The police are saying that the actual reason for the increased levels of violence is not anger or irritation at fellow drivers. According to police psychological breakdowns of most cat fighters the real reason for this violence is the manifestation of the internalized hatred and pent up anger against “selfish men who just do not listen to us and sit in front of the television for hours without even blinking”. Police were also very quick to note that despite it’s negative connotation, catching a cat fight in progress was one of the most beautiful experiences that they have been through. One officer who has apparently not experienced a cat fight sniffed rather loudly upon hearing this and hid behind a taller co worker.

Altamash Hai Khan, Karachi Times
Vol III

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Teachers Teachers Everywhere

Posted on July 3, 2007 by aalahazrat

The quality of our students has dropped recently. Bright students, happy students, motivated students; this is the motto of the recently elected socialist leaning government. But the question is, how close are we to it? A group of angry mothers has recently started a countrywide protest drive against what they term sub par teachers. It is the statement of the Mothers of the Nation League that it is sub standard teachers and a very large quantity of them that is causing such a major downturn in the educational capabilities of our nation’s youth. Some protestors actually seemed to be loosing interest in the continued struggle against an ailing educational system, one mother actually told the media on the sidelines of the protest that she would rather be at home and make a hearty vegetable stew than stand on M A Jinnah road and shout slogans against bad teachers.

A strong sense of nostalgia for teachers of the good ole days seems to be common amongst the protestors. One protesting father said that he remembered in the good old days when teachers used to come up with good humourous statements to teach students good grammar. He even quoted an example where a teacher is reported to have said, “You can, but you may not!”. Good times. But unfortunately we do not hear such statements nowadays. What a loss.

As we all know, any argument is incomplete without listening to both sides of the story. “Why would anyone want to become a teacher?” asks the Chief Presidential Officer of the Teacher Protection League. Teachers are underpaid, overworked and they don’t even have dental. The average salaries of teachers compared to the average Pakistani worker has dropped by 78% over the past five decades. And to add to all this many parents nowadays do not want to pay the big bucks for their children’s education. The CPO of the Teacher Protection League even quotes an irate mother saying that “Should I make Haleem for my brother visiting from the States or educate my children in expensive schools?”. Pointing to a very deep rooted problem being faced by the Pakistani society now.

This seems to the most serious challenge being faced by the recently elected socialist leaning government. Apart from the complete socio cultural collapse of our society.

Altamash Hai Khan, Karachi Times
Vol II

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Stupid Managers Cause Deaths

Posted on July 2, 2007 by aalahazrat

Studies by a group of Organizational Sociologists at the University of Bournemouth, New Caledonia have shown that people who have a higher IQ than their department / immediate co workers grow faster professionally than the rest of their co workers, but die earlier than the rest due to stress based on continued irritability and lack of worthwhile interaction with co workers. Any major differential in IQ levels lead to IQ based cliques development in the workplace and political wrangling with co-workers resorting to such comments as “Why don’t you do it yourself genius?” or “Gee, if only you couldn’t understand grammatically correct sentences!”. Of course the heartbreak caused by these statements is the real reason for reduced performance in IQ diverse departments in the modern workplace.

In a study conducted to negate the effects of this study, a team of Organizational Psychologists at the Karrabach College for Good Mental Health have come up with the fact that it is not the IQ differentials in the team but the IQ differential with the manager that cause the actual problems. In teams with low IQ differentials the manager is able to interact and communicate with different members of the team. In teams with greater IQ differentials, if the manager has a higher IQ than the team then they are usually able to handle all the members and the inter personal relationships to an extent as well. This leads to well managed and well handled teams.

But, in situations where the IQ level of the manager is much lower than that of their team, the manager can seriously damage the team, the office environment and eventually even their reputation as capable business managers of today. But the worst effect of a stupid manager could be increased blood pressure, irritability, stress, popping veins and death at an earlier age than average. Of course this is something that all managers should be taking into consideration before taking on any major responsibilities. Failure is not just something that happens to someone else. It happens to you, to me and it can happen to anyone anywhere and at any time. Just be thankful that you are not in Japan and do not have to kill yourself if you fail.

Of course good sense of humour can always be used to keep yourself sane at work. Just like this weekly column that I have started.

Altamash Hai Khan, Karachi Times
Vol I.

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Weather and Tea

Posted on March 19, 2007 by aalahazrat

Amidst a rather strong bout of fever I sit at home and blog on a Monday. For most normal human beings this is a good thing. But for workaholic altamash it is not. The weather is beautiful, and somehow the clouds end up scaring me.

I can also attribute this illness to the shock that I have received at the horrifyingly unacceptable disturbing performance of the Pakistan cricket team in the world cup.

But all in all, I love Earl Grey!

Computer: Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!

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Delusions of Grandeur

Posted on March 17, 2007 by aalahazrat

Living in Pakistan one does indeed learn to enjoy the mass psychosis and chaos that has become such an overriding part of our social, economical and political landscape.

Telling one of my friends about the military coup a couple of years ago his eyes opened so wide one could see the back of his skull. I had to explain to him that life moved on as it does. Nothing to fear or be wary of. He just did not understand.

Most people cant. There is an absolute difference of world views amongst people. Such a pity. And to top all this off, I just spend all that was left of my bonus after paying my credit card bills to buy clothing.

Hence, broke, angry, fat and ugly. Hmmmm. This is very very bad!

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